Pantoum for Sal’s brother John 1952-1988

He came to the church for solace

the church of his parents, three brothers, and a sister

the church of Bach solos he sang as a boy

the choir loft always his sanctuary

in the church of his parents, three brothers, a sister

the church with two organs and eight thousand pipes

the choir loft always his sanctuary

the organ swells wrapping around him 

from the eight thousand pipes in the church

where, as a child, perfect pitch was his hallmark

the organ swells wrapping around him

in the church where, at thirty-six he came seeking peace

perfect pitch as a tenor still his hallmark in the choir

sixteenth-century tapestries softening the songs

in the church where he came seeking peace

the church with a sun-lit rose window

sixteenth century tapestries softening the songs

in the church where he came to for refuge

the church with a sun-lit rose window

the church that had been founded by abolitionists

the church where he came to for refuge

AIDS tracing his body, racing through lymph glands

as he walked into the church of abolitionists

with a sore on his back that wouldn’t heal

AIDS tracing his body, racing through lymph glands

pneumonia his constant companion

a sore on his that back wouldn’t heal

his breath giving out as he climbed up the stairs

pneumonia his constant companion

mind muddled with dementia

his breath giving out as he climbed up the stairs 

his design studio in a shambles

mind muddled with dementia

convinced the hot water faucet ran cold water

his design studio in a shambles

his guitar untouched in its case

convinced the hot water faucet ran cold water

harmonic triads no equal for the nightmares

his guitar unplayed in its case

his quick wit overcome by the terrors

harmonic triads no equal for the nightmares

Would family and friends now shun him?

his quick wit overcome by the terrors

seventeen thousand for drugs every month

Would family and friends now abandon him?

in his name no health insurance to be had

seventeen thousand for drugs every month

and a nurse told him what she would do,

if no health insurance in her name to be had

she’d get hold of a gun and end it all quickly

the nurse told him that’s what she’d do

so John came to the church for comfort

pondering if he should end it all quickly

and the minister counseled him

in the church where he’d come to for comfort

You are gay. I cannot help you

the minister counseled him

This is God’s revenge.

You are gay. I cannot help you still ringing in his ears

alone in his apartment two weeks later

in his head This is God’s revenge  

in his hands a gun he’d purchased at a flea market

alone in his apartment two weeks later

no one knows who’d taught John how to use it

the handgun he’d bought at a flea market

how to use it without leaving too gruesome a mess

no one knows who had taught him how

to hold it at the side of his jaw pointing up

so as not to leave too gruesome a mess

John came to the church in a wooden coffin

the gun at the side of his jaw had done its work

the church was brimming with flowers

when John came to the church in a wooden coffin

Ruby from the dry cleaners sobbing

in the church brimming with flowers

the local bank president slipping into a pew

Ruby from the dry cleaners sobbing

in the barrel-vaulted nearly-filled church

the local bank president slipping into a pew

gay friends uncertain about where they should sit

in the barrel-vaulted nearly-filled church

the minister who’d shunned John leading the service

gay friends uncertain about where they should sit

the minister inviting no eulogies

the minister who’d shunned John leading the service

in the church of Bach solos John sang as a boy

in the church where the minister invited no eulogies

in the church John had come to for solace

©  Eve Hoffman from Memory & Complicity, Mercer University Press 2018